Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Grateful is my heart, for every day.

I'm not sure where to start as it's been a year since I sat at this spot and typed out what life is like for our family. Once a place I often sat, writing updates and giving glimpses into our home through words and photos. I wasn't planning to write, but it feels like home to write about my boy on the third anniversary of his death.

Some families like to use the term "Angelversary" for this date...maybe it helps to soften what this date really is? But there is something about that word. It's just too 'light' and 'cute' for something that is most certainly neither of those things. (And I'm pretty sure Wyatt would not appreciate 'cute!') We like to call this day, most simply, "Wyatt's day."

So, here we are. Another year has passed. It's been 3....3 complicated years. Through Wyatt's last years I often related our family's life to feeling like a roller coaster - the highest of highs careening to the lowest of lows, mixed with twists and loops in every direction. Roller Coasters were one of Wyatt's favorite things, which I always found pretty ironic. But through it all, we learned to embrace every high and every low for what it was, and I think we did ok.

I was expecting as Wyatt's life came to an end, and as we navigated through grief, that we would eventually fall into more typical days. This was one time I was striving for "boring!" All I can say is (and I've said it a lot recently), God has a lot of explaining to do when I get to Heaven!! Our life has yet to reach "boring", in fact some months or weeks it feels pretty darn close to the very same roller coaster that we were riding with Wyatt. It's now a little more difficult to not feel terrified with each twist and loop and especially with the lows, but thankfully, the high points are still pretty great.

I feel like I've often said when writing here before, that I don't quite understand why, nor do I know exactly what God has planned for our lives. But I have faith that one day it will make sense. I still believe that, I cling to it some days. I have found myself saying under my breath on more than one occasion the last few years, "This isn't fair..." and I believe a number of people would agree with me in saying it's really not. But I think God knows that too and I look forward to the day that he will sit me down and explain it all until it makes complete sense. Though, with all that being said, for every one of the days that I'm left on the verge of a breakdown and asking "Why?", there are triple that leave me saying "Thank you..."

Grateful is my heart, for every day. For each that have passed and those yet to come.

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