Sunday, December 22, 2013

Surviving the season.

So, I've done my best at pushing my "bah humbug" spirit out of the way. The scarecrow is no longer on our porch. The Christmas tree did make its way upstairs and is now sitting in the front window decorated. We finally listened to the Christmas CD that I told you about a couple weeks ago. And I even bought presents. Shopping didn't come as easily as it usually does for me this year...the absence of wants from the video game, electronics or boy section of the toy aisles was very apparent.

Hope. Disbelief. Acceptance. Anger. Sorrow. Peace. Reminiscent. Longing. Love. Thankful.

It's a mix of emotion that feels to be swirling around me. This is life, at the moment. A product of love and grief combined. How do we pick up the pieces of our broken family? I still don't know for certain. But I do know, that nearly 3 months later, some days can be filled with a feeling of hope and an amount of healing. While other days I feel stuck and just miss my boy so much.

I've written here fairly often since September. A time or two I questioned if I should stop publishing my posts. I've written many without publishing them the last few months. My writing is largely for me, to process and to document. But I then sometimes decide to hit the "publish" button and share these chapters of our life as well. For, if it may reach one person who finds comfort or a peace in being able to relate, then sharing this part is good too.

My goal for this Christmas and New Year's is pretty simple -- to survive.

That's it. 

To not lose my mind or be swallowed up by sorrow. Some days that task seems achievable. Other days it feels insurmountable.

We've found a rhythm in our daily routines, now with just four of us. Work, school, homework, dinners. Maggie is looking forward to playing field hockey this winter season and Jilly is enjoying science club after school. We recently moved Maggie into Wyatt's bedroom, at her request. We didn't remove any of his things, though we added hers. The blue walls have posters and pictures of his favorite things hung around the room. A canvas picture of Roy Halladay, a Philadelphia Phillies pennant, a get well poster from his class, a small poster with pictures of his first little league baseball team. A neon green sheet of paper covered in words is tacked up on one wall next to a ceramic cross -- it's a handwritten list of all the things he wanted to do on a Disney World trip. His handwriting, his spelling, his punctuation, the way the words are crammed together and sloping down the's priceless. A race car driver and Buzz Lightyear costume hang from a small shelf across the room. The iconic red mickey mouse ears hat with his name embroidered on the back sits above the dress-up costumes. Matchbox cars, Nerf guns and an assortment of action figures in their own baskets are sitting on his toy shelves. Maggie seems to have found comfort in his space. Looking up to all the glow in the dark stars that begin to illuminate, turning his small bedroom into a mini planetarium never gets old. It's as if I can still hear him quietly "oooh" and "ahhh", like he always did after saying goodnight and turning off the lights.

When Maggie and Wyatt were toddlers they shared that bedroom for a few years. They were inseparable. It's been decided that it will be referred to as "M-yatt's" room now. Or Bryan's favorite, "W-aggie's" room. And no worries, Jilly seems pleased with having her own room too. They both found perks to this setup pretty quickly.

So, with Christmas just days away, I'll leave you with a short clip from last year that I have listened to multiple times the last few weeks. The video quality may not be good, but the content is invaluable.

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  1. I may be one of the few that actually check in and read/respond to posts but it brings me an unbelievable comfort. I feel that I connected, not in what your family has gone through, but in a way of how much we devote our entire lives to our families. I was at such a loss when traveling our journey with Faye. It felt like the worst, and it was probably the worst for us at that time. I also use my blog/website as an outlet. I may not have many followers or even any that comment, but it is MY outlet. I like to think there is someone who listens and is there to do just that. I don't have many people to talk to, I wish I did. Thank you for continuing to share. It really means a lot.

  2. If you ask any parent what their worst fear is, I would think a majority would say losing a child. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. Thank you for sharing. I honestly feel that reading your story has made me a better mom to my three young children. Nothing really matters except love and family. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

  3. Survival is the goal here, also.

    What you write helps. Every post you share I read, always thankfully.

    And it makes complete sense why there are posts that go un-posted.

    Many times I have no words, but read and nod, silent.

    I'm sure many others say the same, but I think very often about a boy I never met. Your boy.

    Missing you, Wyatt,