Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Letting go to move on.

This week is two months since Wyatt died. We finalized the design and details for his memorial stone a few weeks ago. It's special -- I think he'd like it. I'm looking forward to seeing it in place. But it probably won't be delivered until spring due to the weather. I visit the cemetery a couple times a week still. It's cold and windy on the hill now. The leaves fell off the trees, the grass is brown. This last time I just sat in the car, staring at the dirt that lays on top of him. Letting go hurts.

Accepting, letting go, moving forward. 

It's all hard. I feel like I've said "It's hard." at least a thousand times within the last months. I dislike the phrase "This sucks." It's actually not a phrase that we 'allow' in our house. But sometimes there is no other way to say it. So, for the sake of honesty...

This sucks.

Watching him die, grieving, missing him.

It all sucks. 

There is a lot I could say to tell you how I'm feeling 2 months later. Some days are better than others. But that little phrase that I don't particularly care for pretty much sums it up.

There was a moment the day Wyatt died that I laid beside him and began talking. My words eventually turned to tears and apologies for all the things I felt I didn't do 'right' as his Mother. I wanted to help him. I wanted to make him better. I wanted so badly to make his body work. I wanted to trade places with him. I wanted to save him. I tried so hard, but I couldn't. I didn't know how.

I failed him. 

I felt like I failed him as his Mother. He looked to me to protect him, to help him, to find someone to help him. I've been assured that we did all we could do. And I think I know that. I believe it. But other days, my broken heart starts talking for my brain and I can't help but think of the things that I could have done differently or maybe didn't do well enough.

Did I advocate strongly enough for him?
Should we have waited longer before doing this procedure?
Or did we wait too long before doing that one?

I realize these thoughts are purely emotional because when I look back on it all and think about what was happening, I know we did what we had to do at each of those times. It can be so easy to look back on a situation and say you'd do a hundred things differently. But I must stop doing that. I need to trust what I know and let go of those worries. It's not easy. In fact, it's easier said than done.

But if we never let go, we'd never move on. 

The Holidays are quickly approaching. The commercials on TV, the songs on the radio, the catalogs that are showing up in my mailbox and the emails showcasing the big sales of the week. It's impossible to hide from it this time of year. Thanksgiving, Christmas and then the new year...it's a favorite time for a lot of people. But this year I would like to boycott the holidays. Every one of them!

Bah, humbug! 

We got through Halloween and now Thanksgiving is just days away. We've decided to run away this year. I'm not sure which is worse, though. Staying and celebrating without him or going away on a trip without him...both feel wrong. But Wyatt, no matter how badly he felt, was always up for a road trip. For goodness sakes, just weeks before he died he used all his energy just to ask me to take him to Disney World! And if I would have said yes, I do believe he would have been all for it.

Maybe it's genetic; as I quickly turned to Bryan a few weeks ago and said "lets go away for Thanksgiving." He looked at me for a few seconds, staring into my eyes trying to decide what the best response would be to my hasty suggestion. I started to explain my reasoning to him. If we go away, do something completely different, there is a small chance that we could actually have a little fun. And, at the least, it could distract us for a few days. If we stay, we will undoubtedly struggle emotionally through the Holiday, no matter if we stay at our home like we have the last few years or go to our families homes like we used to before Wyatt became very sick.

So, we're going to pack our bags. I'm certain I will feel as if I'm forgetting ten thousand things as it has been a long time since I packed without toting along large amounts of medical equipment. There is no need to make as many lists or strategize just how we are going to make it all fit. Instead we will have only suitcases of clothing for the four of us packed neatly in the back of our (according to the 12yr old) 'cooler than a mini-van' SUV.

When in doubt, pack up and take a road trip. It's close to Wyatt's way of thinking. Though, his motto would have gone something more like -- when in doubt go to Disney World! We won't be going to "The happiest place on Earth". But my hope is that we can find some amount of happy where we do end up.

This thanksgiving I still have much to be thankful for. I see it. I can feel it.

Be thankful, friends. 

Happy Thanksgiving.
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  1. I wish you and your family happiness and peace. And very safe travels. Love always!

  2. This year I am thankful for being shown strength and courage through stumbling upon your blog many months ago. Thanks to you and especially Wyatt. Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours.

  3. I think going away for Thanksgiving is a perfect idea; I love seeing your pictures. You all are held so closely to my heart, but you know that. I hope this trip has given you a bit of fresh air, a release and- I hope - a smile.