Friday, October 4, 2013

My son died.

There have been many times this week that I wanted to sit and write, but the week was so full of tasks that needed to be completed, decisions that needed to be made and my mind was feeling overwhelmed by it all and the emotions that accompany a grieving Mother. 

Today was one week since I've laid beside my sweet boy in the bed, holding his hand...knowing that it would soon be the last time I could hold his hand while he was still alive. Today I took long looks at his face, his eyelashes, I ran my fingers through his hair repeatedly and laid one last kiss on his forehead for the last time in this life. 

There are no words to describe the feelings that surged through my entire body today. I went through the motions of the viewing last night with a calmness in my heart. I wondered if that was normal. To feel the emotions, but to feel calm at the same time. Today, I felt a mess...from my shaking hands, to the panic that felt as if it would come bursting from my heart, to the nauseous feeling that followed me all day. This day it all felt real. The last time that I would see my son's earthly body, the last time I could run my fingers through his hair, the last time I could look at all the little pieces that made him look like him. It did not feel surreal today, like it has other times through the week.

This was real. This happened. My son is no longer breathing.

My son died. 




(This is a video that was played at his service today.)




Thank you so much to everyone that came to Wyatt's services last night and today. As well as the many messages, emails, cards and notes filled with supportive and loving words. Though I have not responded, we have read each and every one. Thank you for continuing to think of and pray for our family. We are so grateful that we have a community, "a village", to walk this path with us.
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6 comments:

  1. What a beautiful tribute video, loved seeing Wyatt at the end. Stay strong and hold those memories so close and so dear to your heats. Forever will he be SuperWy.

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  2. Ashley, My name is Shirl. I was directed to your blog through my friends daughter, your neighbor Holly. Holly's mother had mentioned you and your son to me a few times. When I saw the obituary in the paper my heart immediately ached for you and your family. My heart has ached and my tears have flowed many times this week as I spent time reading about your journey with your sweet boy. I just read this latest entry and again the tears are flowing, you see, I too have buried one of my sons..I know the pain :( It is 10 years for me this coming Monday. I remember those moments during the first week and all the mixed emotions during the viewing and services. I so admire your strength and ability to put it all into words..Your journey was quite different then mine, and again I admire how you handled your journey..My son was 14 and suffered from severe depression..and took his own life..I struggled to save him from the demons of depression...but my fight to save my boy was a mere 20 months..You fought the fight with your boy for a lot longer then I did and in reading I see that you did an amazing job..Thank you for sharing your journey. You were the right mommy for this sweet boy. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please know that if you are struggling and you need to talk to someone who "truly understands" please have Holly contact me.

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  3. This day it all felt real. The last time that I would see my son's earthly body, the last time I could run my fingers through his hair, the last time I could look at all the little pieces that made him look like him.

    *****

    When I can make
    Of ten small words a rope to hang the world!
    "I had you and I have you now no more.”

    {Edna St. Vincent Millay}

    *****

    Wyatt, Wyatt, I miss your life in this world.
    Imagine, only imagine
    how it feels to someone who knew you face to face.

    But no one can imagine.

    Not that.

    The emptiness, the stillness
    so impossible
    to bear.

    I'm so sorry.

    Love from here.

    CiM

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  4. Dear Ashley and family,
    I met Wyatt only once, but I have heard about him and your family often. Nicole M has shared Wyatt's journey with me. I have prayed for him and cried for him and your family. If life was the way we all dreamed, no mother, father, sister or brother would ever have to feel the pain your family has felt. I know that your hearts are breaking, but through your stories and the dedication that you showed your son. I am sure he felt surrounded by love, that is a true blessing. Hearing about Wyatt's heroic fight makes me understand why he was super Wy. I hope that his super powers of bravery, strength, and love surround your family.
    My deepest sympathy,
    Helen Arrell ( otherwise known as Lucy's nurse)

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  5. Oh, Ashley and Family, you have always had my prayers and thoughts, and you will always have them. ((((((((((((*hugs*))))))))))))))

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  6. Oh, Ashley and Family, you have always had my prayers and thoughts. You will continue to have them. I do hope you are able to feel the extra love being sent your way from this bit of distance. Many hugs and lots of love. Amanda

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