Tuesday, October 29, 2013


Last Halloween we carried Wyatt out to his special tomato chair on the porch where he and the girls sat while I took pictures. He put his arm around Maggie's shoulders and smiled. His equipment sat behind the chair. It was cold and Wyatt had made himself stay awake all afternoon and through the evening so he could hand out candy to the Trick-or-Treaters that would come to our home. He looked forward to Trick-or-Treat night each year. Even though he couldn't enjoy the candy or walk home to home like the other children, he loved seeing all the different costumes. Last year his shaky, tremoring hand reached into the big bowl of candy, he opened his hand and closed it intently to pick up each piece. The costumed kids waited patiently for him to drop the candy into their buckets or bags full of loot. He concentrated to say a chipper 'Happy Halloween!' to each and every family that came to our porch.

The first Holiday that we will spend without Wyatt; Halloween.

Yesterday evening I had a surge of emotions hit me. Overwhelming me quickly. I found myself feeling angry, sad and even jealous. These emotions are raw and ugly, but real and true none the less.

I want my life back. 

But no matter how much I would like to scream, cry or throw a fit, I won't get it back. I can't have it back. Instead of looking forward to Halloween parties at school, seeing the kids dressed in their cute costumes and concerning myself with having enough candy for the neighborhood children, I'm deciding on the specific design for my son's memorial stone that will be placed in the cemetery where he's now buried.

This is not fair. 

But life's not fair, right? That's what I keep telling myself. Bad things happen everyday. I know I'm far from alone in experiencing these feelings. Life isn't fair, but somehow we accept it and adjust. We figure it out. But then there are the days it just feels so much harder, unacceptable even.

This is it. This is the life I was meant to live. And one way or another I have to make sense of it, make it work for me and trust that God knows what he's doing up there. But sometimes He really makes me wonder.

Enough that I can't help but reply, "Really, God? Really?!"

As if I was drowning, the feelings were intense yesterday. I went upstairs to my bedroom, changed my clothes and put my sneakers on for the second time that day. I got on the treadmill again, put my ear buds in my ears and turned up the volume in an effort to work out (or drown out) these crazy emotions.

After a shower, I spent the evening drinking wine with friends and even laughing.

Grief is so weird.
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  1. Ashley, I discovered your blog 1 day after Wyatt passed. You express your emotions and feelings so beautifully. I feel like reading your story has given me so much perspective is my own life. I often use the exact words "life is not fair" and "I want my life back". But when I see what Wyatt and his family have gone through I realize that I should be grateful for the good things in my life and stop dwelling on the bad. Life doesn't always turn out how we had planned or wished. Thank you so so much for sharing. I truly pray for peace for you, Wyatt and your family.

  2. Ashley, we are thinking so much of Wyatt today. I stumbled online upon the "All about your heart" song that you used in one of your videos and I could not get it out of my head. Wyatt was with us today. Anthony even recognized the song from the video I showed him weeks ago. So just think, Wyatt has made his mark even with my own boy. Thank you Wyatt for sending messages our way!

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  4. Oh, Ash. The only thing I can possibly say is that you are a beautiful, and truly good person. You always have been. You do not deserve this pain, your beautiful family does not deserve this. God needed Wyatt as an angel at this time for His own reasons. All I can ever do is admire all of you, and pray for you and your family and send you all my love.

  5. Yes it is. Grief, all around and up and down. Weird - and unpredictable.

    Wyatt, you stay on my mind. Your family does, too.

    I remember,

    xo CiM