Tuesday, July 23, 2013

It's his birthday today.

It's early. I can't sleep. That's not unusual these days. I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I woke this morning with a sick feeling in my stomach. But I'm not actually sick. You would think after all the times we've been prepared for moments like this, watching our son slowly fade, it would somehow make it easier to navigate, more understandable...something. It doesn't work that way in this situation, I guess. But it does make me smile knowing how many times we've been prepared for this and how many times we were all wrong. I love that. I'm not sure I ever had a "plan" for what would happen or how "this" would happen. But I didn't fully expect Wyatt to decide on his own that it was time. I laid next to him holding his hand in the early morning hours this morning, I can hear his oxygen whistling through the nasal cannula, and I just can't fathom not being able to reach out to hold his hand. I've never questioned God "why" in all his 11 years of life until right this minute.

"Why? Make me understand, please. There is a reason, right?"

I suspect Wyatt's CO2 levels are rising as he spends more time on the cannula. He's sleepy and floppy. Last night he did wake a bit. He asked for his bipap for a few hours because he was uncomfortable. He's been back on the cannula for hours now.

Today is his actual birthday. Eleven years ago I was also awake at this time, in the hospital and on very strict bedrest. A few hours from now I was allowed out of my bed to get a real shower for the first time in weeks. I was really looking forward to that shower. It's then, as I was out of my bed to get a shower, that the plans would quickly change for both Wyatt and I. Our lives, both of our lives, changed forever that day, eleven years ago.

This morning as he moaned I whispered happy birthday to my son, he opened his eyes and very slowly turned his head, his voice shaking and weak, he whispered with a hint of surprise in his voice "It's my birthday?"

"It sure is." I replied with a small, but broken smile. It's his birthday today.
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  1. I look up to you so much for the strength you have. I think Wyatt was waiting for this, this clubhouse, his 11th birthday, he wanted to see it all. That was his unfinished business. I think the power of faith is so strong and Wyatt is anticipating those parties in Heaven, feeling better and enjoying everything like he used to. Bless your hearts. Happy birthday Wyatt! You are leaving such an impression on SO many people.

  2. Ashley-thanks again for sharing your heart. I'm praying for you and Wyatt and all in your family. There are no words...

  3. Ashley, please tell Wyatt happy birthday from Elyssa, one of his October '02 friends from the AOL boards. My heart aches for you all as you go through these days. Love, hugs, and prayers to all.