Thursday, May 16, 2013

A hard talk to have.

As I was fastening Wyatt's wheelchair down to the floor of our accessible mini-van, he misheard something that was said. He said "Please don't say that." I asked what he was talking about and he explained he thought he heard the word "dead". I didn't say the word dead, but asked why he didn't want us to say it. He explained further that he doesn't like to hear those words- dead, die, death- because he doesn't want to die. I then curiously asked him why. "I don't want to die because I'm afraid I'll miss you and you'll miss me too much."

"Oh." I thought to myself as I tried to find the right words to say out loud. These conversations are hard.

But I explained to him that I didn't think he would feel like he misses us when he's in Heaven. I hope that he'll be so happy, free of sadness and pain, no worries or fear, filled with love and a sense of peace.

I really, really, really, REALLY hope for these things.

I told him that I understood why he would feel the way that he does and a lot of people are scared to die. I elaborated by saying, I don't know that anybody ever wants to die, but it isn't always up to us. Our plans aren't always the best plans and we have to trust in God's love, his plans and that he knows what is best for us.

I reassured him that I would be so very, very sad when he dies and I will cry a lot. But I will be ok and I will love him forever. Daddy and the girls will be ok too. It will take time and our hearts will hurt a lot, I explained. I will miss him more than I've ever missed anyone and I will be waiting for the day I will see him again. But I will be ok.

He looked at me, needing a little more reassurance, and said "Really?' And I said "Yes. really."

What I won't say to him- I may eventually be ok, but I doubt if I'll ever be the same. My love for him is so great, so powerful.

We finished the conversation after asking if he had anymore questions or worries. I gave him a kiss on the forehead and said "Are you ready to go?" He replied "Yep." And we were on our way to the Adventure Aquarium for a field trip.

I thought of our conversation all day, all night and still this morning. We've had conversations about dying and heaven in the past, though he typically shuts us down pretty quickly. This time he didn't.

I can only hope he heard what he needed to hear.
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1 comment:

  1. I had several of these conversations with Eithene. They are the hardest I've ever had with anyone... she was worried about the same things. Mostly that she would miss us in heaven. It was utterly heartbreaking. Our priest told us to say that we'd be there with her, as there is no time in heaven, and we'll all be there together at some point. I wasn't totally comfortable with that (we had a strict no lying policy about death and dying), but I did tell her that Jesus would help her be ok, and that she wouldn't have to wait long for us. I prayed a lot that whatever happened, she would be free from pain and fear, and ready to go. She didn't really seem comforted at the time of these talks, but on the morning she died, I asked her if she was ready to go to Jesus, and she said YES. SHe was calm, and totally ready. ((hugs))