Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I believe He has a plan.

I would not consider myself an overly religious person. At this time we don't go to church every week, nor do we read from the bible on a regular basis. I can't recite scripture from memory or always remember the exact sequence of events that is told in the bible. But I do have a strong sense of faith. We believe in God and pray frequently. My children attend church, Sunday school and bible school. And at times we receive communion in our home, for the obvious reason that we can not always attend church on Sunday mornings.

I don't always understand what happens when it happens. But I'm not one to question "Why?" often. I trust in Him, a lot. I believe He has a plan. I don't always like the plan, but I'm not certain I always have to. I'm willing to follow, if He will lead.

Yesterday my heart felt shattered to a million pieces and so broken. Completely and utterly filled with grief. I cried a lot, sobbed. I cried for the boy Wyatt used to be. I miss him so much- his loud voice, his silly personality and his happy scream that I often reminded him to quiet when he was younger. I cried for all the pain that Wyatt has experienced each and every day. Pain that I can't even comprehend or imagine myself. I cried at the thought of my life without my son. A thought that is scary but I know is coming. I cried thinking of the relief I may feel when he does indeed go. Relief knowing his body will not be in pain anymore, the worry gone. I cried at the thought that my house will be a daily reminder of his life. I wish I could turn back time- to watch him run through the house as I remind him to slow down his feet and to use his inside voice. I cried as I looked around my home at the rooms filled with his equipment, his supplies. His pants laying across the back of a chair, his shoes sitting in the corner, his toys on a small many pieces of him fill our home, our lives. I cried at the thought of my home being emptied of it all- transforming our entire home to a place we won't even know. Those thoughts, they break me. 

 I prayed, begged even, while I cried.

I questioned myself- if we should be doing things differently, if my son was suffering unnecessarily, if we were doing enough or too much.

Wyatt didn't wake at all during the day yesterday. Come 4pm I began to wonder if I'd ever see him happy again. He eventually did wake up shortly after 5pm. I cleaned him up, took off the bi-pap mask to replace it with the cannula at his request, brushed his teeth (much to his dismay) and put his glasses on...just as we do each time he wakes.

I have always followed Wyatt's lead and my instincts these last 10 years. I could never explain the feelings I have felt- I just know my son in a different way. And now, nearing the end of his life, is no different. I'm following Wyatt's lead. I can only hope that I will know when the time is right to make him completely comfortable and say our goodbyes. I questioned, cried and prayed about this yesterday.

Last night, though he was only awake for 3 hours, somehow he, or maybe He, knew just what I needed when I needed it. Wyatt smiled and enjoyed swinging wildly in the net swing as Jilly pushed and twisted the swing from behind. He didn't complain of much pain, like he has the past few weeks. He then asked to bounce on the inflatable horse that we had gotten the kids for Christmas. He bounced and balanced happily for 45 minutes before being ready to get back into bed.

After extended hugs, lots of kisses and multiple "I love you's" he fell quickly back to sleep. My heart feeling somewhat at peace again.

Today he was awakened by his dreams of heaven- something that often scares him. To hear the phrase- "Mommy, I think I'm dying." -from my son takes my breath away. Today he wasn't as scared when he woke from his dream. He seemed more concerned of how I would feel as he told me about it. In fact, he said he was dreaming of eating pizza.

I don't know what the future may hold or how long we will have with my little super hero- I believe that's up to Wyatt and God. But we do know the time is nearing. And I can only hope and pray that He will guide us all through this.
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