Thursday, December 20, 2012

I will never be ready.

"Do you feel ready to let go now?"

A question I was asked months and months ago. And it echos in my mind often. My response is still the same to that question. I don't think I will ever be ready to let go. This is my child. 

I may be forced to let go.
I may have no choice to let go.
But I don't feel I will ever be ready to let go.

I've thought a lot about this, thinking maybe I should feel "ready." I've analyzed every meaning of those words and from every angle I could come up with. Through the last 14 months I've imagined many possible scenarios of what may happen, thoughts that bring tears instantly to my eyes. I've tried to prepare myself.

As Wyatt's heart rate dropped to 30bpm yesterday, my own heart rate escalated. I feel helpless, possibly one of the worst feelings in the world as a Mother watching your child decline. His heart rate has since rebounded after some time and it's sitting in a more acceptable range (for him) at the moment. But that phrase has started to plague me once again.

"Do you feel ready to let go now?" - No. I may have to let go, but I will never be ready.
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4 comments:

  1. It may be something of the mystery of the mother child bond. How easy it is for others-especially those with no children of their own-to imagine. What a complex question...

    So glad you both are home now!

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  2. This question seems so unfair to me in it's very essence; how can anyone be ready? We may at times feel desperate/fatigued for suffering to end, but never can a Mother be ready to say good-bye to her child. Something attuned to how "ready" we are to welcome our children into the world, only much more infinite, and frightening and weighed down with so much sadness. My heart is with all of you Ashley.

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  3. As someone who has lost a child, no, you can never be ready. I am sorry you even have to think about this question. It's just not fair. Lots of prayers for all of you. <3

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  4. My heart is with you and your beautiful family this Christmas.

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