Monday, July 23, 2012

10 years.

Today we celebrate! Wyatt's officially 10 years old today. A day I always hoped we'd be able to celebrate with him.


This week we increased his dose of methadone and also pushed aside our own fears, agreeing to put him back on a continous Methadone infusion, to possibly and hopefully control his pain to a better degree. In November, I wasn't sure I would ever get to a point to put him in this precarious position again, but when faced with leaving him in pain or making this choice...we can't leave him in pain.

His body began swelling more within the last week, his lungs harboring fluid once again. In response we increased his lasix to help pull off the fluid and stop it from accumulating. His deep cough has returned, as well as the stinky mucus that is draining from his g-tube and that we're suctioning from within him. The fungus within his mouth and throat has also reared its ugly head, the opportunistic little buggers. We started an anti-fungal and have been doing nebulizer treatments to help open his lungs and thin secretions. He's again very sleepy, sleeping 20hrs and more (mostly more) a day for the last several days.

I'm worried, concerned, sad, heartbroken, scared, mad...pick an emotion and I'm feeling it these days. But mostly I'm just so sad. I miss my boy. I feel relief each time he does open his eyes and begins talking again after sleeping so soundly for such long stretches. I then breathe for a moment, but I feel as if I'm holding my breath until those moments each and every day.

When he is awake he enjoys watching movies, snuggled together in the bed. For some reason he refuses to watch TV, it has to be a DVD movie these days. I joked with our hospice nurse this week, asking if possibly this was a rare side effect from one of the meds we just recently increased!

The last few weeks leading up to this day I began looking back through pictures. It makes me cry, but is eye opening and in some ways healing. Some pictures have the ability to take me back to the exact moment that was captured...the sounds, the smells, the smiles and laughter. I sit here now, with tears in my eyes thinking of the moments we've experienced within the past 10 years and my heart aches deeply. I miss Wyatt's smile and laugh, his full out belly laugh the most. I can hear it when looking at some of the pictures. I love this boy so much and watching him slip away right in front of me hurts so, so much.

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7 comments:

  1. Happy 10th Birthday Wyatt! You are truly an inspiration!

    Love,
    All the Marletts

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  2. Happy 10th Birthday, Wyatt! Double digits!!! God Bless you!!!!

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  3. Happy Birthday Wyatt!!!!!!!

    From Todd, Sandy, and Justin Lewis from St. John Lutheran in Boiling Springs

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  4. Oh, Wyatt. Happy Birthday to you, brave, loving, fighter.

    And Wyatt's Mom - oh, oh, the heartache. I wish I could carry it and make your burden less. Impossible. But the wish stays.

    God, please, please make a way where there is no way. Please.

    Longing,

    Cathy in Missouri

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  5. Dear Sweet Wyatt......

    Happy 10th Birthday to the Double Digit Midget. You are much stronger than what this world gave you credit for. You live life with a smile that has captured your family (especially your Momma......I have known her since we were little kids. She still has not lost that sweet & loving nautre....which she has passed down to you.) & people you have never met. May God continue to wrap his arms around you & your family.

    Love,
    A mother too....TaraTodd Curtis

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  6. wow. the songs you chose for the video were precious...think of you often. ~missy king.

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