Thursday, May 10, 2012

Trusting in His plan.

I've learned more within the last 9 years of my life than I ever imagined I would. Recently my thoughts took me back to the day that our son was born. Like many young pregnant women I envisioned my pregnancy and birth just like everyone else. But it was very early on that I knew this child was different, he had something to prove, to teach.

It was rather remarkable that I became pregnant with him in the first place. And yet here he is.

I haven't wrote of his birth, and don't speak of it often. There are moments within the rush of his emergent delivery that both our lives were in imminent danger. I was in the hospital for nearly 2 weeks the morning of our son's birth, my husband at work, trying to keep everything under control while I lay in a bed trying to stay pregnant. It was a short while later that I began losing blood very quickly and my blood pressure began dropping. When I looked at my doctor's face I could see his fear, there was no hiding it. As they ran my hospital bed through the back halls of the hospital, I remember praying to God repeatedly. My body shaking, my hands clutching my belly holding my baby, the bed soaked with my blood and pleading to Him, that if He do nothing else, please protect my baby. I could hear the doctor, then standing behind the head of my bed in the elevator say "Amen." Later, in the cold, sterile operating room just before putting me to sleep, as the doctor stood over my body prepared to operate, he took my hand, reassuring me "I'll take care of your baby." And I believed him.

I woke awhile later, asking if my baby was ok. "Was his heart beating?," "Was he breathing?," "Did he cry?" were all questions I needed answers to. He was ok, we now know how strong he is. We've heard different recounts of his delivery from doctors and nurses, but were told that he was born with no heart beat. Yet after the neonatologists did what they needed to start his heart again, our 2 pound baby began fighting. After pulling the breathing tube from within his own mouth that first day I should have known, he's not quitting. 

My son has given me the gift of faith, trusting fully. God has a plan and while we may not understand why things happen the way that they do, it can be comforting to know that He's there. I've seen him work in our life and in Wyatt's. I've felt his peace and love surround us in times that my trust was waning. He has a plan, our amazing God.

As Wyatt woke today at noon, hurting, he groaned "I don't feel good." I removed his bipap machine to put on the nasal cannula. As I move the cannula to his face I can hear the whistle of oxygen rushing through the small tubes on the end, as his oxygen need is high. He asked to stay in bed for awhile and when I began trying to motivate him by telling him of my plan to go shopping this afternoon he declined, saying "I just don't feel good, Mommy."

When bringing our baby home from the NICU I felt relief, feeling the worst was behind us. The fight was over and now we could begin living. Little did I know, huh? But live we certainly have. Our son has taught us how to live within the fight.

I've encouraged him to get out of his bed today and sit in the swing. He really doesn't feel well, it's clear. But he played with Jilly, helping her to read a book. He takes his role as a big Brother seriously and enjoys teaching Jilly what he's learned. And she certainly enjoys her role as the little sister, telling her big Brother how much she loves him several times a day. And sometimes saying it just to hear him groan back, "I love you too." He had a short break of a few days without the deep cough that had been lingering, but it's since returned along with lowering oxygen levels and increased heart rates. His body tic-ing every few seconds, minutes during a long stretch. There is no one thing that we can see that's stressing his body, making him feel so poorly. But possibly a combined effect of several issues.

I promise him now, just as I did when he was my 2lb baby and unable to even open his own eyes, as long as he's fighting, I'll fight too.

This week the decision was made to move forward with the surgery that I mentioned in the last post, in an effort to bring him more comfort. At the time being, his name is on the surgical schedule for next week, less than a week from now. To be honest, I'm still feeling uneasy. I'm relying heavily on that trust and faith that I just told you about, praying again that my baby will be protected.
Print Friendly and PDF


  1. We'll be praying for you guys!

  2. "Our son has taught us how to live within the fight."

    Oh, oh, oh - and how you honor God, every one of you, in the midst of that fight.

    How you show His glory and His love.

    Still you trust. Still the road pushes on. Easy never comes.

    And yet you trust, even today.

    God, have mercy. In all ways, have mercy. Bless this family.

    Here trusting, too,

    Cathy in Missouri

  3. We, too, will pray for him and your entire family! As always, you are in our thoughts and prayers.

  4. Wyatt is God's baby too.

    It's amazing how, as mothers, we can recall every detail of that day our babies came into the world.

    The Lord will be with you as you love your little one, just as he loves him too.

  5. I have mixed feelings about this reading, but it made me think of you all. Maybe you've seen it? I know it's long.
    The Brave Little Soul
    Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?” God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,” he asked.” God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer – to unlock this love – to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity." Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you. God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and I will bring you home.” Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God’s strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.