Friday, May 20, 2011

Triggers.

Emotions are confusing and so hard to deal with sometimes. I don't know if I'd call myself an overly emotional person...yes and no. I'm not sure. I like to smile and laugh...and tend to choose that route when possible. If I don't laugh, I'll cry! I also analyze situations to understand them. I don't always outwardly show the hard, raw emotions that I'm feeling and think I'm pretty good at pushing them away from the surface when need be. I feel all the emotions, trust me. And certainly, there are the times that my limit has been met and the emotions start spilling over me...there is no stopping it sometimes. But I don't like the feeling of being vulnerable in that way. I'm sure many would tell me that it may not be the most "healthy" way of living to not express exactly what you're feeling when you're feeling it. Or maybe they would tell me I'm not alone and that's how a lot of people cope while dealing with the hard times in life. I'm not sure. Either way, it's me.

Often times in the whirlwind and habit that becomes daily life I become used to everything. It sounds a little silly and I think I've mentioned it before, I don't always realize how different our life is than those around us. I mean, I know it's different, but don't always feel it. That is until I look around and see the few stares and looks that others give in our direction. I can't say that it doesn't sometimes bother me. I suppose that I've just adapted and accepted...I don't just see the tubes, wheelchair and attachments. I see the young boy.

Throughout the years I've found that I've acquired triggers for those emotions that are just itching to surface. Eye-opening moments, even. Last night while watching a television show I could feel myself feeling the same as the actor that was playing the role of a character. I can't say it was the performers skilled ability to portray the emotions that got me, but the story that was similar to our own that touched me more. Which made me reflect on our path and how we got to where we are now.

A year ago we were just returning home from a near month long hospital stay with a new way of caring for our boy. We began adjusting to a "new normal". So much has happened in one year, so much has changed. We've experienced numerous "new normals" throughout Wyatt's 8 years, but not quite to the extent that we did this year alone. I'm scared. I find myself going to those thoughts that bring instant tears to my eyes and wondering about the future. I have hope and am trusting in my faith, but I'm sad that our son has endured so much and still concerned of whats to come. This boy of mine...he smiles, he laughs and he has a tolerance for pain and discomfort that is beyond reasonable. To think of the past 9 years, from the times that I was fighting to keep him safely inside my womb and to where we are now, it's nearly unbelievable. I've said it before, this child is something amazing...undeniably amazing. I can't imagine my life without him and am afraid that one day I'll have to. I'm so, so scared.


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