Thursday, November 4, 2010

Life's what you make it.

I have found myself daydreaming and reflecting these past few days. I'm not entirely sure why I'm feeling stuck in such a thoughtful, reflective mood of late. I seemed to have ran smack into that wall of reality that I spoke of in another post. I don't like this wall...not one bit, but we tend to have an ongoing relationship.

It's "our normal", but it's so not 'normal'. If I think back through the last 8 years, it seems surreal. If I take the time to tell the full, ever fluctuating version of Wyatt's 'story' to someone who did not and are not 'living it' with us, it sounds much like a fictional script for some new drama filled sitcom. It's kinda ridiculous!

Possibly my reflective mood has stemmed from the meeting that we had with Wyatt's educational team last week. It was a very good meeting and we left pleased and inspired with the outcome. But I feel sad for our boy who is unable to return to school at the moment. I know it's not a forever, set in stone, can never be changed decision. I know that if (when) we are able to get him back to tolerating J feeds he very well may be able to return to his previous schedule...but while receiving TPN he can not. While he's feeling the best that he has in a long while, he can't enjoy it with a classroom full of friends. While he's excited for the possibilities that were discussed within the meeting, he is still missing his friends. As a Mom I feel I can fill, learn and adapt to many roles. But a classroom full of 7 and 8 year olds is not a role that I can conquer or re-create for him.

After the meeting and while trying to process all that was discussed I realized that I feel so awkward explaining our life to others. Some listeners are questioning, some are confused, some indifferent, and others are kindly sympathetic. But either way it leaves me feeling so muddled inside. I feel as if some expect me to be in a puddle of my own tears much of the time. And sometimes I even feel like it would be less awkward if I was a complete wreck, because that's what they're expecting after all. But, really, that's just not how I feel...or maybe more appropriately stated, it's not how I let myself feel all the time. Much like the saying that Wyatt recites "You get what you get and you don't get upset!" This is similar to how I feel in this life. Now, granted, I certainly do get upset at times, but I'm not a complete emotional wreck. (yet!) Why or how that is...I'm not sure. And there are the days that I need to stop and remind myself that I'm not the one in control, "Let go and let God", as they say. But life's what you make it...right? And while my life may be different than many of those around us, I can call it my own. And for that, I'm very thankful.

And if (or when) I do become that emotional wreck that many are expecting of me, you better believe I will be blogging about it.
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  1. I totally understand what you mean. When people ask me what Q has been through and I explain it, I find that if i don't truly explain what she has been through, then it seems rude because i try to keep it short and simple, But it's NOT normal what you have been through and so for others it may seem like a shock, and so they want to know more or feel completely sympathetic.

    HUGS! It's hard. you guys have been through a lot.

  2. Yep! Can definitely relate to this post!! Although I AM starting to lose it. LOL! Oh, and I am blogging about it;)

    Praying that his stomach will start to work and he can get back to school and enjoying his friends!